This song has always reminded me of my friend David who took his life a few years back… Until now.
From what I’ve gathered over the last couple years of demanding explanations from people who believed in a higher power, in short, the eye of the needle is this passage that’s impossible to transcend.
After spending the last 6 years reading about it, attempting to even process it, talking about it with other people who share similar experiences, testing it all out and then sitting around analyzing where things had gone wrong for hours on end, I’m certain that there are reasons why people who are destined to leave come into my life, reasons why I find them irresistible and reasons why their exits to have such a profound impact on me. Whether or not anyone chooses to believe it or even hear me ( Mom 😉 ), there’s a deep, dark place where all of this shit quietly exists.
Recognizing these things, attempting to change them and still getting the same result, over and over, makes the idea of letting someone else in just about the most horrifying thing I can imagine doing. Yet, here I am! With everything I’ve learned along the way… Back in the bath. Squinting into the eye of the needle. Hoping for something to fit through there.
Whose fault is it? No one’s. Why? Because anyone who could possibly be blamed, sought out for answers, peace or closure is long fucking gone. And, goddammit, I’m so tired of cleaning up their messes I don’t know what to do. How do I fix it? I have absolutely no idea and am running low on the will to even attempt to fix it anymore.
Mom swung by messenger around 3:30 am to let me know dad is about to die. Odds are, he’s just fine and sending some late night stress over to my bathtub is just how she rolls or maybe she simply sensed I was wallowing in the bath with a fresh bota box and wanted to toss some gas on the fire. The result is still the same.
Update: Dad was fine.